What’s left of me
–
I am sick of feeling
All these things I can’t change
It’s strangling
Suffocating
What’s left of me
I am tired of falling
Into the dark depths of my mind
It’s destroying
Demolishing
What’s left of me
I am done taking
Everything life throws at me
It’s annihilating
Smashing
What’s left of me
I am finishing
This journey of mine
I am ending
Exterminating
What’s left of me…
–
Just Patty
On ‘Throwback Thursdays’ I want to share some older Poems and post of mine. I hope you will enjoy!
Today I want to share an article with you I wrote some time ago entitled ‘Battling A Memory Monster’.
It’s an article about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome)
I think it’s very important to know that a lot of people are battling this. Especially around the Holidays!
Not just veterans, but also victims of violence, abuse and other traumatic experiences.
I have severe PTSD myself and I want to give the people who are battling this, and any other mental condition, a voice, strength and support.
Please, read it. It might give you a better understanding of something that is not visible.
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Lots of Love,
Just Patty
Someone brought to my attention that October is the month to stand up against bullying.
It’s bullying awareness and prevention month.
The story I am about to share with you is my own and although it is a while ago, I still find it hard to talk about this.
*I apologize to my family members who might read this and never knew about this. I am sorry I kept my mouth shut all this time.*
But I write this for the people who still believe that bullying is harmless. Just a bit of name calling, a little push here and there. Nothing to worry about right? Wrong…
Some people believe that bullying is something that kids bring upon themselves. That it’s a matter of how you look, that you are maybe not strong enough, that you don’t fight back, that you are too weak to fight back. Wrong again…
To those people I would like to say, put aside what you think you know and read my story.
My Story
It all started when I got into high school. I managed to piss off someone who became popular later on. Maybe because I didn’t bow my head, maybe because I have an opinion of my own. I don’t know, but I do know that the very first day I stepped inside that school everything changed.
At first, it was just a bit of name calling. People laughing behind my back, a bit of whispering. That’s not that bad. It isn’t pleasant, but I can’t really get upset about it either. I have a big mouth, so I talk back. And I am smart enough to make a fool out of someone who tries to make a fool out of me. So no, I am not weak.
It got worse every day. I got beat up, locked up, humiliated, threatened and embarrassed all the time.
And I did fought back, all the time. But when a group of 5 to 6 kids corner you, there is not much you can do. One wasn’t a problem, two wasn’t either. That’s why they came at larger groups.
Then the abuse began. Guys pinned me down and touched me at places they should have kept their damn hands off. They grabbed and squeezed. When I fought back, they strangled me until I almost passed out.
They corned me in the shower at the gym, pouring water in my mouth and nose until I felt like drowning. When I kicked one of them so his head hit the wall pretty hard, they beat me up and did it again. And again. And again.
This was all around the time that my big brother died. My family was grieving and I didn’t want to burden them with my problems. So I kept my bruises hidden and my mouth shut. I have an undeniable urge to protect my family and to fight my fights alone.
Now, I can hear some of you think: ‘Why didn’t you go to a teacher?’
Well, trust me, I tried. But since abuse isn’t a thing you talk about easy, the kids who bullied me came off with a warning and I had to pay for the consequences. More bruises, more strangling, more abuse, more breaking and hiding my stuff.
And then there is my character, I am stubborn as hell. I didn’t want to change schools because in my mind, that would make them winners. Especially after I beat one of them up so bad, they left me alone for a couple of weeks.
But then they started to bully others. Kids who I saw breaking under their pressure.
Now, I have always been a savior. I need to save people for some reason. So when I saw other kids going down the same road I did, I stood up for them. What basically meant that I got the bruises and they would be left alone.
This lasted for 4 years. The abuse, physically, mentally and sexual lasted for 4 years.
In the meantime we lost my brother and my little niece who was only 2 years old. I watched my grandpa die and lost my best friend to an illness. Altogether, you could say that it was a bit much to handle.
But the thing about bullying is that it doesn’t end. Even after it stops, it doesn’t end.
I am still startled when someone suddenly touches me. I get aggressive and anxious when there are a lot of strange people around me. I never want to sit with my back to an empty space. I don’t like to get the water from the shower on my face. I am still insecure and at times I am convinced that I am not worth a damn thing. I have flashbacks, panic attacks and trust issues.
And I still fight for whoever needs my help or protection.
Bullying and abuse last a lifetime.
Remember that next time when you think: ‘Can’t be that bad. The kid isn’t even crying.’
I didn’t cry, I became numb.
My tears were all dried up from the losses I had to face. I didn’t have any left.
Besides, it’s kind of hard to hide your scars within when your pain flows out of your eyes.
So pay attention. Take bullying seriously, take the children who are going through it seriously, even when they don’t talk about it. Keep your eyes open and stand up, speak up!
You could make a difference.
To the ones who are going through bullying right now, or have suffered from it before, listen to me. You Are Worth It! You Will Get Past This! You Are Strong Enough!
And you are NOT alone. Not ever. I am here.
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Lots of Love,
Patty
If you are thinking about committing suicide or you know someone who is suicidal, don’t hesitate! Talk!
TALK! People can’t read your mind, you have to talk about it!
No.
It isn’t over until it’s over. You can always make a change. You always have a choice.
I know, I’ve been there.
You are a warrior. FIGHT!
You are. You matter.
True. And that’s a slow, painful death.
But I know, no one cares right?
There is always someone who cares. There is always someone who needs you in this world!
Yes you can! Get help, TALK! Keep fighting!
I am here. I will listen.
Just do. Don’t turn your back on someone who needs you.
Be aware! Look out for the signs!
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Take the badge, stand up and speak up!
Lots of Love,
Patty
On Throwback Thursday I like to share some older poems and posts of mine.
Because it’s World Suicide Prevention Week, I have chosen to share some of my informational posts about suicide, depression and PTSD.
Yes, I know that I have shared this before. But I don’t think that I can ever share this enough.
I think that it’s very important that we stand up, break the silence, know the signs and don’t judge but CARE!
You can find the posts by clicking on the links below.
Battling an All Ending Monster – an informational post about suicide, prevention and signs
Battling a Memory Monster – an informational post about PTSD
A Monster called Depression – an informational post about depression
Battling a Damaging Monster – an informational post about Self-Harm
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
As most of you might now, I blog for suicide prevention often. I think it’s very important that suicide stops being a taboo and people just talk openly about it.
Being suicidal is NOT something to be ashamed of!
Being depressed is NOT something you should have to hide!
Reach out, there are people who care.
I am right here and I care.
For more information about this topic, check out Battling an All Ending Monster. or http://wspd.org.au/ or http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Lots of Love
Patty
Suicide
–
It seems so easy
No more pain
Just one little step
And your life becomes in vain
–
It’s just so tempting
No more sorrow
A couple of pills
And no more tomorrow
–
It seems about right
No more suffering
Just one little cut
And no more fighting
–
It’s just so soothing
No more contest
Just one quick shot
And you’re finally at rest
–
Just jump of the bridge
Across the river of life
Lights out, forever blind
But what of the hurt?
–
For those you’ll leave behind…
–
– Just Patty –
I CARE!
Lots of Love
Patty
This is it
–
This is it
Right now
This is where it all ends
The pain
The suffering
Self-hate
Never good enough
Or
Strong enough
It’s time
To leave it all behind
A thousand untold stories
The madness
The cruelty
Right now
It has to end
My life
Because
I am done
Done fighting
Done struggling
This is the end
No more sorrow
For me
–
This is it
Right now
This is where it all begins
The pain
The suffering
Guilt
It wasn’t enough
Or
I did it wrong
This time
I was left behind
A thousand questions unanswered
The hurt
The grief
Right now
Because you ended
Your life
But
I wasn’t done
Done saving
Done caring
This is the beginning
Only sorrow
For me…
– Just Patty –
Don’t give up yet, click the picture for help.
You are not alone. I am right here to listen…
Click for more information about suicide—> Battling an All Ending Monster.
Lots of love
Patty
June is PTSD Awareness Month
Don’t Judge
Just Care
Lots of Love
Patty
My inner monologue, my rage, love and dreams.... Come walk with me
A recovery journey exploring the effects of complex trauma through art and creative writing.
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