This is definitely the hardest post I ever made. Why? Because it’s about me…
I know it’s a LOT to read, and I do apologize for that. Tried to make it a little more entertaining with the poems I wrote between the pieces. But if you are trying to know me, this is your chance…
I am just getting to know you all, and I enjoy it very much! Such kind people with such big hearts… I thought I never would find them anywhere, let alone that I would find them on the internet! But I did. And I am so very grateful, I would never ever find the words…
Most of you are so brave, sharing your feelings, thoughts, lives… And I admire that so much! I love your blogs, posts and comments. Especially your comments on my posts. 🙂 They are the reason I am still blogging. Otherwise I would have quit, before I even got started!
The comments about how I am such a nice and caring person who writes from her heart make me blush and smile every time. But… they also make me feel a little ashamed. Because I wasn’t always that person…
So, I thought it would only be fair if I told you a little about myself. And that scares me. A lot. Like I said before, I am really not the share-my-feelings-easy kinda girl. It may seem that way, because of my writing, but I am not. Only through my poems I can reveal the ‘real me’ easy. Yes, I hide behind words. It makes me feel save.
I’m not a person who shows her feelings easy.
You’ll have to forgive me for that.
I will eventually say I love you deeply,
But only when it’s a safe bet…
I care for you, but I won’t tell,
That’s just a damaged part of me.
A broken heart hurts like hell,
And I’m not that bravely…
My trust in people is a little shaky.
But I will be there for you.
Whenever you might need me,
I will come to the rescue.
And I don’t mind to write,
Then I can be cheeky.
So I hope it’s alright,
I just don’t say it directly…
In all honesty, I actually forgot how the real me looked like until a couple of weeks ago. I had made myself a nice little bunker to hide in, avoiding letting anyone get close to me or see through my shell. Only my closest family was allowed a peek every now and then. In reality, I am a feeling person. I feel a LOT! I care a LOT! And I have learned to hide that. Better yet, I am really good at it too! I am actually an expert in building walls, shields and bunkers around my feelings. I only show my strong side. Why? Because when you care too much, you will get hurt. That’s why.
My life isn’t exactly a walk in the park. It has not be as hard as some, but it hasn’t been as easy as others. It hasn’t been easy from the time I was 14 years old. I lost many people. My big brother, my best friend, my little niece, grandparents, uncles, aunts and so on… There was a time I was afraid to love anybody, because the people I loved kept dying on me! So, I closest myself up, locked my feelings away and pretend not to care about stuff anymore. The fact that I was bullied in high school because I just didn’t was like the rest, didn’t help much either. And when I say bullied, I don’t mean the name-calling. I mean the throwing-me-in-a-dumpster, kicking-me-around and locking-me-inside-closets. I fought back, though, but that didn’t help much. Except for the fact that some people learned to fear me. But that was fine, that way they would at least leave me alone…
I became my own worst enemy. Though as a rock, dark as the night, hostile against anyone who was getting near me. I ran. I hide.
Never show, never tell
Silently breaking into pieces
Feelings in Lockdown
Then I found the love of my life. When I met him, I was hanging on the edge. He pulled me up. Without him, who knows what would happened. And he has enough love for the both of us, so I still didn’t have to let people get close. I let him in, yes, but I closed the door right behind him as quickly as I possibly could! He lifted me out of my most darkest place. And he fixed me a LOT! But even he couldn’t convince me to be completely myself around others. (you have to be ready for that, you know) It takes me forever to trust someone, and most of the time they would going to leave me anyway, so why would I even try? But I did tried. I let my guard down every once in a while. And I became happier.
But it didn’t end there. Because I got sick. Very sick. I always say I am not build properly and that my parents should have save the recite when they got me. I have three conditions that unfortunately will never go away. I’ve got Crohn disease, HMS and EEM. When I got sick I was so angry and frustrated! Why? Why was this happening to me? And why the hell three? Couldn’t life just give me one break already? Well, I guess not…
Hey Life?
It’s me.
Do I have your attention?
Because I have a question…
Life?
Are you listening?
Why would you put such an adventurous mind in such a defective body?
And why can you never be easy?
Hello Life?
Can you hear me?
I just want to have fun like, well, always!
Why do you have to be so damn difficult some days?
Life? Hey! Life???
So, I toughed up yet a little more. I always have been a fighter, so I refuse to give up! And I will always still be able to see the things that life makes worth living. That’s just who I am. But happy? No, I wasn’t completely happy at all. Because I still was lost. Yes, I smiled through my tears and yes, I always say ‘I am fine’. I can’t stand to see the people I love get hurt because of me, so I don’t tell them I am hurt. I just can’t. But I was hurt…
The last time I was in the hospital, it was another close call. (I had several of them) The doctors would let me go home to heal, but only if I would do absolutely nothing at all. Now, I have always been a very active person, who loves sports and is very adventurous! So how could I do nothing? On top of that, my best friend, who I knew for 16 years and the one person I thought would never leave my side, turned his back on me when I needed him the most. That broke my heart…
Then my love came up with a great idea, and I am still so grateful to him that he did! It may have not saved my life, but it definitely saved my soul and my mind. I have been writing poetry from the moment all hell broke loose in my save little world. But I kept it for myself, because who in the world would want to read my crazy thoughts? I also wrote stories. And that was the idea. I had a story lingering in my head for ages. It was time to let it out. So I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote. Days, nights, until it was done. It did hurt like crazy when I was writing, but when I was done, I actually felt like it had healed me a little. Even started to make a few friends.
So, I kept writing. I wrote my second book and I started composing poems again. Writing about the feelings I carried locked away inside me for so long.
One day I made one of the smartest decisions of my life. I shared my poems with the world. On this blog. And, out of the blue, amazingly things started to happen! I met people who I could really relate too! People with a story. People with a background. People with kind hearts who weren’t afraid to share their love with the world! (yeah, I mean you!) I even met someone who I really consider family now and who showed me it was okay to be me. He just walked right in my perfectly build little bunker like it wasn’t shut tight at all and made himself at home! (still don’t know how that could happen)
Made myself a nice little bunker,
Where I can hide when people try to get close…
It works fine, that little bunker,
It even keeps out my foes…
In that bunker of mine,
No one can hurt me.
I can keep everybody out,
And I will defend that bunker forcefully!
But sometimes, out of nowhere,
Someone walks right in…
Like my little bunker has no walls at all.
Breaks through my defense, before I can even begin.
My little bunker clearly won’t work,
Against people like that…
I can’t help caring for them.
I don’t want them to get close, but they make me forget…
Still being so thankful he did, though…
Because of his bravery and the openness of all of you, I can finally be me again, the girl I thought was lost forever…
I still need some work, though. These kinda changes don’t happen overnight. But I will get there, I know I will…
Life couldn’t break me!
But it has damaged me…
Thank you for reading this post and I admire you very much if you did read it to the end! 🙂
Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to hide myself again for a while. Because this ‘sharing my feelings’ still scares the hell out of me…
Lots of love,
Patty
petitemagique 