Someone brought to my attention that October is the month to stand up against bullying.
It’s bullying awareness and prevention month.
The story I am about to share with you is my own and although it is a while ago, I still find it hard to talk about this.
*I apologize to my family members who might read this and never knew about this. I am sorry I kept my mouth shut all this time.*
But I write this for the people who still believe that bullying is harmless. Just a bit of name calling, a little push here and there. Nothing to worry about right? Wrong…
Some people believe that bullying is something that kids bring upon themselves. That it’s a matter of how you look, that you are maybe not strong enough, that you don’t fight back, that you are too weak to fight back. Wrong again…
To those people I would like to say, put aside what you think you know and read my story.
My Story
It all started when I got into high school. I managed to piss off someone who became popular later on. Maybe because I didn’t bow my head, maybe because I have an opinion of my own. I don’t know, but I do know that the very first day I stepped inside that school everything changed.
At first, it was just a bit of name calling. People laughing behind my back, a bit of whispering. That’s not that bad. It isn’t pleasant, but I can’t really get upset about it either. I have a big mouth, so I talk back. And I am smart enough to make a fool out of someone who tries to make a fool out of me. So no, I am not weak.
It got worse every day. I got beat up, locked up, humiliated, threatened and embarrassed all the time.
And I did fought back, all the time. But when a group of 5 to 6 kids corner you, there is not much you can do. One wasn’t a problem, two wasn’t either. That’s why they came at larger groups.
Then the abuse began. Guys pinned me down and touched me at places they should have kept their damn hands off. They grabbed and squeezed. When I fought back, they strangled me until I almost passed out.
They corned me in the shower at the gym, pouring water in my mouth and nose until I felt like drowning. When I kicked one of them so his head hit the wall pretty hard, they beat me up and did it again. And again. And again.
This was all around the time that my big brother died. My family was grieving and I didn’t want to burden them with my problems. So I kept my bruises hidden and my mouth shut. I have an undeniable urge to protect my family and to fight my fights alone.
Now, I can hear some of you think: ‘Why didn’t you go to a teacher?’
Well, trust me, I tried. But since abuse isn’t a thing you talk about easy, the kids who bullied me came off with a warning and I had to pay for the consequences. More bruises, more strangling, more abuse, more breaking and hiding my stuff.
And then there is my character, I am stubborn as hell. I didn’t want to change schools because in my mind, that would make them winners. Especially after I beat one of them up so bad, they left me alone for a couple of weeks.
But then they started to bully others. Kids who I saw breaking under their pressure.
Now, I have always been a savior. I need to save people for some reason. So when I saw other kids going down the same road I did, I stood up for them. What basically meant that I got the bruises and they would be left alone.
This lasted for 4 years. The abuse, physically, mentally and sexual lasted for 4 years.
In the meantime we lost my brother and my little niece who was only 2 years old. I watched my grandpa die and lost my best friend to an illness. Altogether, you could say that it was a bit much to handle.
But the thing about bullying is that it doesn’t end. Even after it stops, it doesn’t end.
I am still startled when someone suddenly touches me. I get aggressive and anxious when there are a lot of strange people around me. I never want to sit with my back to an empty space. I don’t like to get the water from the shower on my face. I am still insecure and at times I am convinced that I am not worth a damn thing. I have flashbacks, panic attacks and trust issues.
And I still fight for whoever needs my help or protection.
Bullying and abuse last a lifetime.
Remember that next time when you think: ‘Can’t be that bad. The kid isn’t even crying.’
I didn’t cry, I became numb.
My tears were all dried up from the losses I had to face. I didn’t have any left.
Besides, it’s kind of hard to hide your scars within when your pain flows out of your eyes.
So pay attention. Take bullying seriously, take the children who are going through it seriously, even when they don’t talk about it. Keep your eyes open and stand up, speak up!
You could make a difference.
To the ones who are going through bullying right now, or have suffered from it before, listen to me. You Are Worth It! You Will Get Past This! You Are Strong Enough!
And you are NOT alone. Not ever. I am here.
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Lots of Love,
Patty
I’m so sorry you had to endure this… Bullying is wrong and parents should keep closer tabs on their kids… There are signs… Much love…
Thank you Lor.
Lots of love ❤
i’m sorry for this sweetheart.i can relate to many things you said and yes, the abuse never goes away.i still have triggers that i don’t even notice until it’s too late and i am insecure as hell. i’m glad that at least i know someone went through very similar things i went through, and we are both here today! i never thought i’d be alive still, but miracles happen. have a blessed evening!
Thank you so much Ana.
I am sorry that you had to go through it as well.
But yes, we are survivors! We are warriors! And still battling.
Stay strong.
Lots of love ❤
Reblogged this on scrapperjudedesigns and commented:
Patty is a very special person to share her story of bulling. I commend her for her bravery. A story line this needs to be told so we as bloggers can spread the word that bulling will not be accepted in our schools.
Thank you for your kind words and the reblog Jude.
Love & Hugz ❤
Dearest Patty,
I am so sorry you experienced this and that no one saw or heard or did anything to stop it. So many kids are tormented that schools are more like torture chambers rather than places of education. When you are victim, you can become a survivor then a fighter/protector in some manner. Some get stalled at the victim stage and cannot move beyond it. I applaud you for your strength and fortitude to survive and to share your story with others to educate others the horrors kids are enduring while trying to grow up in a world where their voice is not important. The laws should be harsher in seeing these incidents as aggravated assaults, character defamation, and mental abuse. Bullying is so inaccurate it is criminal. If Children were tax payers they would have a voice but no one listens to children so they will always be victims.
Children often feel obligated to protect their families and not cause problems especially if the family is already plagued with issues. I am so sorry about the loss of your brother. You are a survivor who will always be a fighter in some way because you become hardwired to fight no matter what. You see an injustice or someone being hurt and you have to jump in and defend even if it means you are going to bear negative consequences.
I was anything but “normal” in school so I understand your pain. Blessings to you my dear. You have survived hell and now must thrive after surviving! The best revenge against those who wished us harm is to be happy and successful! Blessing to you.
Thank you so much for your kind words Tina.
It’s true, children often don’t have a voice so we have to be theirs.
Surviving is a good way of describing it, as it takes lives every year.
We had a show on tv here in Holland for a while. They gave the victims of bullying a hidden camera and showed what they were really going through. The footage was shown to the whole class to confront them with their actions. (images blurred of course) It worked great. But they decided that the privacy of the bullies was somehow more important than the suffering of the victims, so they stopped the show. Those kind of things make me angry! Finally they listen, finally they do something about it and then they stop it again because it’s ‘not fair’ for the ones who create a living hell for others. It’s a strange world we live in…
Lots of love ❤
Hi Patty,
It is definitely a survival situation. I live in the United States and it is no different here. It is absolutely criminal. I had a nightmarish situation throughout my schooling and there was no safe place at home either. It was very difficult.
I was a high school teacher for a time and I loved teaching and my students. There was never any torment of students when I was around. Everyone knew I would not tolerate it but I was one woman. The situation is quite sickening and then we have damaged adults within society and many do not become functional within society. We have all kinds of anti-bullying programs within our education system but it is not making a big enough dent because the entire mindset of society must change.
It is so sad that children, our future, are so disregarded until they become assets or major problems. Its like closing the barn door after all the horses have run away and expect everything to be okay. We must just keep being a voice for the kiddos and others who cannot defend themselves. You have a good heart and compassionate spirit that can only be borne of great suffering. I am so sorry that you have experienced such profound suffering. It just goes to show that it matters not where you live, there is a huge problem when child protection is not put at the forefront of society’s priorities.
Blessings and peace upon you Patty. I will hold you in my prayers.
Thank you so much Tina!
I have been a teacher for years before I became a writer. Always kept my eye out for my students too. I am also schooled in Social Skill Training for children. That way, I could help the ones that drowned in the crowd.
And you are right, lots of programs but not enough results. A program is just a program, when it’s over, it’s done. But this is never done. People have to realize that one program for a couple of weeks will only make a difference for a couple of weeks. I had a zero toleration in my classes for bullying. Kids understood and respected that. But it isn’t enough until all educators, parents and trainers have this policy.
And thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I really appreciate it very much.
Love & Hugz ❤
I, too, went on for more training and ended up with an advanced degree in general human services with a concentrated study in childhood sexual abuse and violent sexual predators and was a therapist for some time. One person is not enough but with each voice of a survivor/thriver that is heard it will serve as a guiding light to those who believe they cannot take one more step, It is so wonderful that you are a teacher as change needs to come on the front lines. As you well know, a victim of bullying needs only a single light in the darkness in order to survive and you are that light to so many. Blessings upon you!
Thank you so much Tina.
I hope that we can be a light for those who need it.
Even one child would be enough.
Love & Hugz ❤
Patty, You are just such an example of strength and character. It could be nothing but terribly hard to tell this story here, and for that I applaud you loudly. I admire your strong will then and now. You seem to be an amazing person. NEVER forget that.
John
Thank you so much my friend!
Your kind words make me feel stronger.
Love & Hugz ❤
As someone who was also bullied badly in school I feel a strong connection to your story, and feel terrible that these things happen. Thanks for sharing and standing up to bullying. Lots of love back at you, Patty.
Thank you Benjamin,
I am sorry that you can relate. This happens too often.
Lots of love
wow!!! wow!!! I am lost with words.
I feel your pain…I feel your broken soul….I feel your every sadness that comes from your eyes.
This blog really hit me and give me flash backs as well.
You’ve made me see that I am worth it and that I am worth being in this world.
Sometimes though, I want to take my own life…but I know my girlfriend is there for me to heal me and listen to me.
I’m so sorry for what you went through…I am also here for you if you need a friend to talk to.
I can’t imagine what those pathetic-scums did to you…it makes me angry and pissed off.
P.S Head over to my blog. I posted my anti-bully awareness blog. It tells my true story and what I went through. We both share the same pain and histories past.
Thank you for your kind words Charlie.
I am so sorry for the flashbacks, they suck 😦
Yes, you are definitely worth it! So glad that you have someone who loves you and heals you. Partners are very important for the healing process.
They can make us feel loved and worthy of life!
I understand your thoughts though. But remember that you are a warrior! Never give up!
And those guys will get what they deserve someday. I believe in that.
Gonna read your post right now.
Lots of love,
Patty
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, and I’m glad you have the courage to speak your hardest experiences, for the sake of no one allowing such incidents to happen. I hope parents and teachers would consider this topic really seriously and not belittle it.
Thanks for sharing, Patty.
Thank you so much Mohamed.
If it can help only one child, it will be enough.
Lots of love,
Patty
My heart is with you, Lil Sis!! I’m holding yours in my hands, protecting it. Sending you healing light and energy …. to make you stronger. You matter, you have a heart of gold … I’ve seen it, I’m holding it. Now I want to protect YOU!!!
Your “older sister” is here for you ….. FFL!! ❤ ❤ ….
Thank you my sweet sis.
I appreciate your kind words of love and friendship more than you know. FFL ❤
Back at us!! ❤️❤️
Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
“October is the month to stand up against bullying” … standing up!!
Yes it it…
It is what honey?
It’s so brave of you to share your story. Good on you for speaking out and helping others 🙂
Thank you Callum.
One of the hardest things to do is sharing things that have been hidden for a long time.
Lots of love ❤
Oh wow Patty this is powerful! I have shared my issues with bullying before and have experienced it here on WP as well, I am also a fighter for the underdog or when I see someone treated unfairly. I appreciate you sharing your story because people do need to know that this is something that follows you through life and breaking that cycle is nearly impossible because it is so deep seeded. I must admit that even today I am tempted let it go but taking a stand is something you have to do.
I love this. You always post the most amazing posts! 😀 Hugs and love to you sweet friend. ❤
Thank you so much my dear friend.
Your words strengthen me.
Lots of love and hugz ❤
Thank you and well done
Thank you.
Lots of love
Bullying does stay with you for years. But you can heal.
Yes, it will take time and scars will remain, but you can heal for sure.
Hugz & Love
A very powerful post. Lots of Love
Thank you Trent.
Love & Hugz ❤
Patty, I know this was hard for you to write. I have no doubt, and will share mine with you via email, as it is long, and the comments is not a place to share mine. I have never said anyone deserved bullying, nor have I ever downgraded the experience they are sharing. When I worked with a teenage girl who was in a psychiatric institution, she was experiencing bullying. I told her to make sure she informed the aides and nurses, but then also showed her ways to protect herself without the nurses seeing what I was doing. With all the other crap she had to deal with, I never devalued her fears or experiences. Yeah, there are probably things she could have done to try and fit in, but in my experience of working with youth, a kid can be just a beautiful as all the bullies (or prettier) and they will always find a reason, there is always a weakness if they poke enough.
I hope you took a deep breath and cuddled to Danny after writing this.
Peace & Love
Thank you my friend.
I have found your email and will read it tomorrow.
And yes, I am very blessed with my hubby. He knows how to deal with me lol.
Love & Hugz ❤
Thank you people need to know how bullying affects people. The lasting traumas, and that it’s often well-hidden from non-participants. My parents thought it was just me adjusting to a new school year , but I had an acid stomach and stress-induced asthma attacks for the first two weeks, until I learned who the bullies were, how to stay away, and where to hide from them. And even that didn’t always work. I’m glad you’re a survivor and I admire your courage to speak up.
Thank you Michael.
It’s often a very well hidden secret indeed.
But it’s very much needed to speak up. Bullying, abuse, it has to stop because it can destroy lives.
I am sorry to hear that you had to go through bullying as well.
Lots of love,
Patty
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