So, I had a serious break down today.
PTSD is trying to kill me and at the same time, someone inside my family who I love very much is most likely not be with us much longer.
Like I said before, this is my first April without my mask and it’s extremely hard for me to deal with. I didn’t know that I could feel so much. And all at the same time.
When you shield yourself away from your feelings to cope with things that you shouldn’t have to cope with on a young age. (Actually, you shouldn’t have to cope with it on any age) it’s not like that your completely numb.
You still feel, it’s just not as strong. More ….dim.
This allows you to keep going.
The human mind really is amazing that way.
But when you, for whatever reason, lose that mask, that ability to shut down your feelings, that’s when the trouble starts.
You know, I have always been a strong person. I don’t like to cry and I absolutely can’t stand the fact that people want to help me. I want to do everything on my own.
And with PTSD, no matter how many people you have that love you, inside you always Stand Alone. (I so love that song)
I also don’t want people to be sad because of me what makes it extremely difficult to show my real feelings. But without my mask, I slip sometimes and tell what’s going on in my mind. I really hate myself afterwards, because I failed to protect the ones I love from feeling sad. No, it’s even worse, I am the very reason that they are sad! I don’t want to be a burden for anyone.
If I could, I would most definitely beat the hell out of myself for doing that…
I also can’t stand myself when I cry. It makes me feel weak and I can’t allow myself to feel weak. That has nothing to do with the PTSD, that’s just who I am. I have to be the strong one, no matter how much shit Life is throwing at me, I won’t bend and I won’t break.
But now I kinda do. And I hate myself for it with a passion.
Living with PTSD after you lost your mask is kinda living while your own brain tortures you. Really, if you want to get something out of someone, give that person PTSD and I swear that they will tell you anything you want to know if you promise to make it stop.
Picture reliving the worst time of your life over and over again. Not as a memory, no it’s much more than that. It’s like having a bloody time machine in your head. When the flashbacks hit, you are there, in the past. You see, feel, smell everything you did back then. It’s a freaking nightmare that just became solid.
So that’s where I am right now. And the reason why I am telling you all this is not because I want sympathy. (I honestly don’t know how to deal with that either) it’s just because I promised a couple of my dearest friends and my hubby that I would try to cope with this without putting my mask back on.
Because that’s what I want to do right now. Put on my mask, hide in the darkness and wait until I go numb again. Shut everyone out so I don’t have to lose anyone anymore.
Break down, melt down
Don’t want to feel anymore
Shut it off!
But, sucker that I am, I keep my promises.
Going numb is the only way I know how to deal with this, I never learned another way.
But for those I love, I will try to do it differently this time…
Because I am grateful that they won’t give up on me, no matter how fucked up I am. Thanks for that guys, especially Juulz. ❤
Wish me luck…
Lots of love