Was a miracle
of a faded memory
Before my eyes
I can’t escape this agony
In my mind
While bruises heal
Scars get ripped open
And the past becomes real
Without a parachute
The things that happened before
My wounds remind of them
I don’t want this anymore
Locking my heart
The only way I know how
The sharp pieces of
I am sorry to startle you like this, but I need to tell you something that is very hard and painful to say.
Last Tuesday afternoon I have been attacked by a guy in a park near my house.
He molested me, beat me up and tried to rape me.
I fought back and luckily I succeeded to get away from him.
Don’t worry, my physical injuries are not that serious. Just a lot of bruises and a concussion.
Mentally, I am not that lucky. Especially because this is not the first time I’ve been abused.
Because I need some time to heal and I don’t really have a clue what this is going to do to my PTSD, I have decided to stop writing on my blog for a while. So, this will be my last poem until I feel better.
I will return of course, but for now, I need some time for myself.
Lots of Love,
*Warning* May contain triggers!
Against my will
Hands leave bruises on my
I fight, but cannot win
Like the beast you are
Every inch of me
on my body
In my mind
I fight, but you are stronger
You’re searching hasty
For what you want to take from me
Closing my eyes because
I don’t want to
Until I go
Fear and fury unleashed
I fight, and break free
Beat up but never
But I know damn well
I won’t be able to run
From another damn
When you get diagnosed with PTSD or suspect that you might have PTSD, it can be a difficult pill to swallow. You will most likely have a lot of questions or are at lost for what to do next.
Maybe you think that you are crazy. Maybe you feel ashamed. Even a little shocked.
That’s normal. Give yourself some time to adjust.
Let me tell you this (and this might seem strange to you): Being diagnosed with PTSD isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it’s a good thing! Not that you have PTSD obviously, but at least now you finally know what’s causing your stress, anxiety and all the other stuff that’s been thrown at you. And now you know what you are up against, you can start to deal with it. You are not your diagnosis! Remember that.
Tip 1: Educate yourself!
It’s important to know as much as you can about what it is you are battling. It will make the fight easier and you will understand yourself, your actions and reactions better.
Search the web for information, talk to others who have PTSD or read books about the subject.
You can also start with reading this article on my blog: Battling A Memory Monster.
There are different types of Traumatic disorders and it’s useful to know which type you are dealing with.
All types have these 3 main group of symptoms:
ASD: Acute Stress Disorder.
This type will occur right after the traumatic event happened. It comes with a lot of the same symptoms as PTSD, but it will usually last for 1 to 3 months. If treated early and in the right way, you may avoid developing full blown PTSD.
PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
To get diagnosed with PTSD, the symptoms must still be present after 10 months after the traumatic event. If not treated or recognized, it can evolve in Chronic PTSD.
Delayed PTSD: Delayed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This type of traumatic disorder can develop many years after the traumatic event but for the diagnosis it has to be at least 6 months ago. This type develops when someone gets stuck in ‘survival mode’ or when exposed to multiple traumatic events who follow up on each other.
C-PTSD: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
May develop after being exposed to multiple traumatic events. Although this category is not formally recognized in diagnostic systems, there are many articles to find about this type.
Tip 2: Acceptance!
So, you are diagnosed with PTSD. That seriously sucks! But you have to know that you already were suffering from PTSD before you got diagnosed. Your struggles just have a name now. You are not crazy, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not responsible for it. The sooner you accept yourself with PTSD, the sooner you can start to heal.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can make you feel disconnected from others. You may be tempted to withdraw from social activities and your loved ones. It may seem easier to be just on your own. And although everyone needs some time and space on their own, do NOT push people away. Getting isolated is one of the worse things you can do.
It’s very important to stay connected to life and the people who care about you.
Tip 3: Reach Out!
Support from other people is vital to your recovery from PTSD, so ask your close friends and family members for their help during this tough time.
Also, there is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help from a psychiatrist. In fact, it’s vital in most cases.
There are different treatments for PTSD. Find out which one fits you best.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy for PTSD and trauma involves carefully and gradually “exposing” yourself to thoughts, feelings, and situations that remind you of the trauma. Therapy also involves identifying upsetting thoughts about the traumatic event–particularly thoughts that are distorted and irrational—and replacing them with more balanced picture.
Since PTSD affects both you and those close to you, family therapy can be especially productive. Family therapy can help your loved ones understand what you’re going through. It can also help everyone in the family communicate better and work through relationship problems caused by PTSD symptoms.
Medication is sometimes prescribed to people with PTSD to relieve secondary symptoms of depression or anxiety. Antidepressants such as Prozac and Zoloft are the medications most commonly used for PTSD. While antidepressants may help you feel less sad, worried, or on edge, they do not treat the causes of PTSD. In my opinion, medication should only be used if it’s necessary, because they don’t treat your PTSD.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation, such as hand taps or sounds. Eye movements and other bilateral forms of stimulation are thought to work by “unfreezing” the brain’s information processing system, which is interrupted in times of extreme stress.
Tip 4: Avoid substance abuse!
When you’re struggling with difficult emotions and traumatic memories, you may be tempted to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. But while alcohol or drugs may temporarily make you feel better, they make post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) worse in the long run. Substance use worsens many symptoms of PTSD, including emotional numbing, social isolation, anger, and depression. It also interferes with treatment and can add to problems at home and in your relationships.
People with PTSD are known to be vulnerable to addiction. After all, it’s always easier to avoid than to deal with the problem. Dealing with PTSD takes courage. We all have courage, we just need to find it sometimes. Don’t make it harder on yourself by fighting two battles instead of one.
You think that you can drown your PTSD? You can’t. Drugs and alcohol are not magic, they won’t make your PTSD go away.
Tip 5: Talk!
Probably the hardest thing to do is talk about what happened to you. But it’s one of the most important things too. Start small and don’t push yourself.
If talking about it is too hard, start by writing it down. The next step would be to let someone you trust read it. Talking about it after that will be easier because the person already knows a bit about your trauma and you won’t have to explain everything. Be prepared that talking can be a trigger and remember that things might get worse before they get better. Make sure that you are somewhere you feel safe and with someone who knows how to handle when you get a flashback or panic attack.
It’s okay to shut down in the middle of an conversation. Enough is enough. Recovery takes time.
Stay Strong & Keep Fighting!
Lots of Love,
Like with every mental problem or disorder, there are a lot of fables and myths about PTSD. That’s not that strange, people can’t see it or they don’t understand it, but it can be very frustrating to those of us who suffer from it.
So, let’s set some things straight today! 🙂
Only veterans can get PTSD.
Nope. Anyone who suffers from a traumatic experience can get PTSD.
(Sexual) abuse, the sudden death of a loved one, domestic violence, serious injury, witnessing or going through a terrifying event and more are all causes for PTSD.
Everyone who experiences a life-threatening event will develop PTSD.
Although it’s true that a lot of people have symptoms of PTSD after a life-threatening event, they can reduce after a couple of months. But, only when you still have the symptoms of PTSD 10 months after the event, you might develop PTSD. There is a difference between ASD (Acute Stress Disorder) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
After a certain amount of time, I should be over my trauma.
No. There is no time-table for healing from a trauma.
Sometimes a person can be just fine for some time, but then something triggers the memories and they find themselves plagued by symptoms. Also, some people keep the memories of the trauma hidden away in their mind to protect themselves. But at a certain point, they start to surface and they may find themselves overwhelmed by things that didn’t bother them for decades.
My trauma was so long ago that it’s too late to do anything about it.
The good news is that it’s never too late to address your trauma. In fact, there are a lot of reasons that someone would wait to get treatment. In some ways it is easier treating people with a trauma that’s older than individuals whose event was less than a year ago.
PTSD is only seen in people with ‘weak characters’ who are unable to cope with difficult situations in the same way that most of us do. You should just ‘get over it’.
Are you freaking kidding me? If you are fighting PTSD you are a warrior! You are stronger than whatever it was that hurt you so much. Don’t ever think that you are weak! And for the ones who seriously believe this crap, I invite you to live one day, just one day, with my mind and see if you can survive!
If you have PTSD, you are crazy.
PTSD is a normal response on an abnormal experience. You are not crazy, you are wounded.
Untreated, PTSD does not get better in time. It often gets worse.
PTSD doesn’t just go away. In fact, on many occasions, the flashbacks and nightmares get more severe as you remember more and more about the traumatic event you have been through. There is no shame in getting help. If you would break your leg, you would go to a doctor too.
PTSD can be triggered in a moment by a memory, an image, a sound, or even smell.
Everything that remembers you of the experience you have been through can be a trigger. This trigger can cause a flashback, a fall-out or even a panic attack. Get to know your triggers and, if it’s possible, teach the people who are close to you what your triggers are. It will save you a lot of stress and anxiety.
PTSD can often lead to alcohol and drug abuse.
To numb, to forget, to try to cope with your PTSD, alcohol or drugs may seem like a good and easy option. They are not. It’s not dealing with the problem and it won’t take the PTSD away. If anything, it will make things worse. You will need more and more of the substance you are abusing to keep the PTSD under control. Besides your PTSD, you may now have to fight an addiction as well. Double trouble.
Trauma survivors who have PTSD may have trouble with their family relationships or friendships.
Their symptoms can cause problems with trust, closeness and communication, which may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern may develop that could harm relationships. People with PTSD often withdraw from social life. Don’t let them go, be there for them and check up on them.
People with PTSD have a high risk of committing suicide.
The flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks as well as the social isolation can get so severe that someone doesn’t see another way out anymore. Also, depression is a common symptom of PTSD. Reach out and care! It may save someone’s life.
You can heal from PTSD.
The things that happened to you will not magically disappear. They will leave scars, like every other wound. But, you can learn how to deal with your PTSD and live a good life. This will take time and courage. Just don’t give up and keep fighting. Common treatments for PTSD are: Exposure therapy, EMDR therapy, support groups and cognitive behavior therapy.
PTSD needs understanding, not judgment.
Don’t judge yourself for having PTSD. It’s not about what’s wrong with you, it’s about what happened to you. It’s NOT your fault. It’s okay to break down, you don’t have to be strong all the time. Just remember to always get back up and continue to fight. You are worth it.
Lots of Love,
Choking in my Memories…
Maybe even dreaming
About the future ahead
In the back of my head
I feel like I’m drowning
Fear rushes through my veins
To open my eyes
Through events from the past
Until I stumble
Back into reality
My heart’s rapid beating
Images still echoing
Through my mind
Feels like dying
In my memories…
To Listen, click HERE
Paper stays Still…
I take my pain
My nightmares and tears
I hided for years
I reach down my soul
Underneath my skin
I kept within
I take the pieces
Of my broken life
A jigsaw puzzle
I try to survive
I open my heart
Let my scars bleed out
My secrets and fears
I let them shout
I write in blood
The horror from the past
And wonder how long
I will last
The words won’t leave my lips
Maybe they never will
I just write them down
Because paper stays still…
One of the most common (and annoying) parts of having PTSD is that you keep things inside yourself. Feelings, thoughts, emotions… It’s like you are wearing a mask and nice thick armor.
Logical? Yes. It’s a survival strategy and it works very well.
Good? Until a certain point. It helps you survive. After that, it becomes poison.
There are a couple of different reasons why someone with PTSD keeps things inside themselves. They can exist simultaneously.
After you have been exposed to a trauma, your mind can protect itself by going ‘numb’. You felt so much, was hurt so bad, that you start to feel ‘nothing’. It’s a way to continue living without losing your mind completely. You need to protect yourself from your pain.
You don’t want to hurt your loved ones because you are hurting. So, you put on a ‘happy face’ and trick them for their own good. People with PTSD can be quite the actors, ya know.
People who have never been through a serious, life changing trauma often don’t ‘get’ a person who has flashbacks, panic attacks, random anxiety attacks, periods of rage, depression or nightmares. So, you keep your mouth shut. No one understands anyway and they are just going to think that you’re crazy.
Not knowing how
This often occurs after the Numbness period. You have locked up your feelings for so long, you forgot how to deal with them or how to show them. It’s very difficult to trust, love or cry again after wearing a mask. You start to feel again and it scares you to death because you don’t have a clue what to do with those feelings.
This sounds familiar to you? Then you probably have one of these two questions:
Can I keep this up forever?
How can I heal?
About that first question I can be short and harsh: No, you can’t.
Not if you want to have a life worth living. Not if you really want to become happy. All those bottled up emotions will come out some day and that can be very unpleasant.
That second question is a little bit more trickier. It takes time and courage. A lot of both.
It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it.
If I can do it, you can too.
First off all, start opening up to someone you can trust. Someone who understands.
Maybe someone else with PTSD. They will know what you are talking about, won’t judge you and know how hard it is. Trusting someone is one of the hardest things to do for someone who has PTSD.
But, it’s also a good way to start healing.
Change your attitude.
Revealing things to someone from which you think they are completely crazy is very hard.
Let me tell this: They are not as crazy as you might think!
PTSD is not about what’s wrong with you, it’s what happened to you.
Your thoughts and feelings are a normal reaction on PTSD, like bleeding is a normal reaction on being stabbed. The only difference is that your soul and mind are wounded instead of your body.
You have to start seeing yourself as a warrior, a survivor. Because that is what you are!
Accept yourself. After that, you can start to get a better you.
There is no need to expose yourself completely right away. Just start with some minor disclosures. You can see how the other person reacts and it will give you a safer feeling to continue. If talking is too hard, start with writing.
You need to experience firsthand that sharing pieces of yourself isn’t that dangerous and often has a positive result, and that on the odd occasion that one of your secrets is received badly, that it’s something you can handle. You have survived worse, trust me.
Give it time
Opening up about things that you have kept hidden for so long is a process. It’s okay to get nervous, it’s okay to choke and be silent for a while. It’s also okay to get overwhelmed. Talking about your emotions and the things that happen to you can be very stressful and you can get overwhelmed when emotions start bubbling out of that bottle. Give yourself a break, you are learning here! Just don’t give up when it gets hard.
Step it up
Share slightly more serious things about yourself with people you know, and who you’re comfortable with. The more you talk and open up, the easier it will get.
Yes, it’s all very scary, I know. But you deserve to be yourself and you can’t be yourself completely when you are always guarded and keep things bottled up.
I have successfully bottled up and used my mask for a lot of years. I don’t anymore. This is me and people will just have to deal with that because I am way happier and relaxer this way.
Lots of Love,
On ‘Throwback Thursdays’ I want to share some older Poems and post of mine. I hope you will enjoy!
For today, I have chosen a poem that always seem to return. Since we have lost Danny’s stepbrother last week, I am forced to face another goodbye. Something I am not that good at because it brings flashbacks from the goodbye’s before…
Hell’s Bells are pounding in my head
Images flashing before my eyes
Messages from my old friend Death
Present at all goodbyes
Panic is building up inside
I have to flee before I go blind
But there’s nowhere to hide
I can’t run from my own broken mind
Memories scratching on a locked door
I have to fight to keep them out
Don’t want to see what I saw before
But the Bells are getting so loud…
Searching for strength deep within
Take control, freeze my heart
Can’t let those demons win
But secretly, I fall apart
I will smile, it’s time to lie
Can’t be weak, my mask is in place
I don’t cry, keep my head up high
For I’ve yet another goodbye to face…
On ‘Throwback Thursdays’ I want to share some older Poems and post of mine. I hope you will enjoy!
Today I want to share an article with you I wrote some time ago entitled ‘Battling A Memory Monster’.
It’s an article about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome)
I think it’s very important to know that a lot of people are battling this. Especially around the Holidays!
Not just veterans, but also victims of violence, abuse and other traumatic experiences.
I have severe PTSD myself and I want to give the people who are battling this, and any other mental condition, a voice, strength and support.
Please, read it. It might give you a better understanding of something that is not visible.
Don’t Judge, Just Care.
Lots of Love,
What is a bookshelf other than a treasure chest for a curious mind...
Author of Fantasy novels
Writer and Mental Patient
Books Make Your Life Special
You are the Storyteller of your Own Life. You can Create Your Own Legend - Or Not!
Channeling my thoughts about the world outside, and inside, into prose and poetry
My life in 2021
To my journey
Pain goes in, love comes out.
Poetry about life
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Short reads about life, work and play.
Poetry from a heart on fire