I wanted to share something different with you today… And I apologize for the size of this article!
For the ones who don’ t know yet, I have PTSD caused by a couple of things that happened when I was younger. I don’t talk about it much, I even dodged the diagnose until this year.
But I am not ashamed of it at all. Having PTSD doesn’t mean you are crazy! You are just wearing scars from wounds that aren’t visible. It’s just not something you talk about that much.
For those who don’t know what PTSD is, a little introduction:
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, the sudden death of a loved one, serious injury or the threat of death. The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyper arousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.
For me it means that I have severe nightmares, flashbacks, trust issues, abandonment issues and commitment issues. I don’t let people close that easy and I have a habit of pushing them away because I don’t want to lose them.
I tried treatment, didn’t work out. PTSD is very hard to treat.
Now, most of the time I have it pretty much under control. Mostly because I am very lucky with the support of the people around me. They make me feel safe and loved and that really helps. If I didn’t have them….who knows?
I am not depressed (although I have been, but I am very good in hiding my true feelings), one of the main symptoms of PTSD. I guess that’s why it took them so long to diagnose me.
PTSD also causes insomnia and that I have pretty bad.
My mind just never shuts up in the first place and when my PTSD takes over it can get real nasty. I have an outstanding memory that serves me well. But besides being a blessing, it can be a curse.
I am also an image thinker, that doesn’t help much either…
Let me take you into my mind for a moment. It’s quite a trip down the rabbit hole so you are warned!
When I lay down my head and close my eyes, the fun starts. My mind is pretty busy at daytime as well, but at least I can distract myself. But when I am in bed, it’s just me and my mind.
So here it goes:
God I’m tired! Hmmm, what should I wear on New Year’s eve? O! I just found the perfect picture to go with my biography! Hmmm, what should I put in my biography? I have to get some sleep, I am beat! How is my brother doing?
(Image of my brother lying in his own blood)
No! Not going there! I am sure he’s fine. Have to think of something else…. O! I have to write my synopsis!
(Image of a bunny hopping through a field with purple flowers)
where the hell did that come from? A bunny? Hmmm, I don’t feel comfortable, maybe I should turn around. That’s better. A new year is almost here….coming near….No, no writing now, I have to sleep!
Hmmm, is my body resting now? Even when I am not sleeping? I should look that up sometime….
(image of my husband choking) NO!
(Image of my big brother in his coffin followed by an image of my husband in the same coffin)
No no, get the bunny back! Something else to think of! What was that noise? Where is my dagger? O, it’s here. Okay, I am good….
Now, what should I wear on New Year’s eve? Would Aragoth be a good name for a dragon?
(Image of my hubby falling of his motorcycle) No, he is lying next to me, nothing to worry about. Everyone is fine…Is my brother doing okay? Sigh, I need some rest. Maybe I will go shopping tomorrow. Yes, that would be nice.
(Something cold touches my hand) Nope, not real. Why am I sad? Everything is fine! What time is it anyway? Omg, it’s almost 5 am! What a waste of time! I am so tired….
(image of my mom dying in the hospital)
Stop it! She’s fine! They would tell me if she wasn’t!
(image of one of my friends getting shot to death followed by an image of him getting knifed down) No, not real…
(The sound of a beeping heart monitor) No…
(the feeling of needles in my back followed by the sound of people crying followed by the image of my cousin lying death in a ditch) My heartbeat start to rise and my breathing goes faster.
(Image of my big brother’s face, cold and still) Tears come into my eyes.
(the same song plays in a loop in my head) Okay, I am going to do something else.
And I get out of bed.
Lovely craziness huh? These are just a couple of examples that I have to get through every night. I am most afraid of losing the people I love.
It sucks. I live with it and most of the times I can handle it, but it still sucks! It is better than the nightmares though. This I can stop by getting out of bed. The nightmares sneak up on me when I am already asleep. Can’t do anything about that and they are horrifying detailed. Thanks to my lovely memory!
Don’t feel sorry for me, I didn’t write this for sympathy.
I just thought maybe writing about it would help me to get it out, maybe relax a bit and help someone who has PTSD as well, but never talks about it. I certainly hope so, because it helps to share with people who know what you are talking about!
Anyways, time for me to get some sleep. Lol… Wish me luck!
Lots of love
Patty
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I have a teddybear
I got a bunny, but it doesn’t always help
Awww
my dear friend, you are so brave…courageous and strong! I came to your site tonight to find comfort from my weary world. I am sorry for all that you suffer…I see myself in much of what you say…You help so many of us with your openness. You give me courage to face another day…your strength becomes my strength~ thank you, Patty!
Thank you so much for your kind words Jade.
I will send you lots of love crystals! ❤
Love you!
Reblogged this on georgeforfun.
ThankYou Patty for sharing your experience and giving those who don’t know or understand this illness the information .. as it can be such a crippling illness that Yes is invisible even to those who suffer. Everything you have written I am nodding my head Yes Yes Yes 😉 and it is actually like a sigh of relief to hear someone express the very things I experience. I did not know what was wrong me with and its believed I have likely gone through this from very young of age. It wasn’t recognised by anyone even though i did seek help for the many different problems I was having until i ended up with another illness believed to be brought on by trauma in ones life which is Graves. only then was it then recognised that i had PTSD .. I too bluff my way through life and it is very draining and I have personally found it isolates me from so many things in life including establishing and being able to maintain relationship. one reason was when i didn’t know I had this illness myself and fearfully believed at times I was going crazy. Just the sleepless nights can do that not to mention the thousand and one others symptoms one can go through daily and nightly. If you don’t understand what is happening there is very little you can offer to someone else to explain your mood or sleeplessness etc. the nightmares are truly horror and I experience something of similar nature when awake .. it can be a shadow a the smell of something footsteps behind me usually end up bad for both myself and the innocent passer by.! but there are things during the day that have set me off in panic anxiety sheer terror. I have got better over the years teaching myself to recognise triggers and contain my bad reactions .. I really empathise with you Patty and Im sorry you are someone who has been touched by such an awful terrifying illness. wishing you all the best and ease in your sleepless nights .. always beez x
Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your thoughts with me.
PTSD really can be a pain! I have found a couple of friends on here that suffer from it as well and I can relate to them very much.
I actually find it easier to talk with people who have similar experiences rather than talking to a counselor. It is a relieve to know that you are not the only one!
Sending you lots of love
Patty
Dear Patty. Thanks for sharing this important information. You are so much right, a lot of people have no knowledge about, what is PTSD at all. They think, only soldiers can be hit from this. But no, we are many people living with this and as try to live a fair life, even it is not easy always.
One thing, as helped me a lot, was to meditate and find a kind of inner peace that way. Not easy either, but after daily experience through maybe 3-4 weeks, it starts helping. Now I’m able to sleep more that few hours every night. Maybe I wake up several times per night, but I’m able to fall down again.
A lot of love to you too. Tell me, if you need to talk, and we will find a possibility for this.
Irene
Thank you very much Irene.
I have tried meditation and yoga as well. It does work to relax. But there are periods that nothing really helps. Just have to get through those times.
And thank you so much for caring, that means a lot!
Lots of love and hugz
Always with you!!! PTSD is one of those conditions that seem to have no outside signs. I know what the signs are … I worked w/ plenty of patients that has this dx.
If there is ANYTHING that I can do for you, please don’ hesitate to let me know ….
From the heart …… ❤ … Lotsa love!!
Thanks Doc!
True, no signs on the outside, but quite a mess on the inside. It’s better than it used to be though.
Lots of love right back! ♥
I’m happy it’s better for you. You are right …. No sings outside but inside …. It’s hard.
Sending energy, strength and love your way!
FYI …. I have big ears and listen well. From the heart!
AT YOUR SIDE ALWAYS ❤ X
Means the world pal. ♥ X
This happened to me for months after my husband died. That was 5 years ago. Gradually mine went away, but occasionally it comes to visit for a night or two. Don’t know how I could survive if it was with me all the time like in the beginning. My hat is off to you and I hope time will bring you peace….and sleep. Love and hugs to you, my friend.
I am sorry you had to live through that my friend! I am glad you do better now!
Thank you. I hope so as well. Lots of love and hugz ♥
sleep the sleep of the content, if logs can be content 🙂
thanks for sharing, you matter
Thank you. 🙂
Lots of love
I think you know I live with it too. I can really relate to catastrophisizing it’s brutal the pics I get in my mind. I do sleep not to bad but I’m drugged with meds for epilepsy. I do have nightmares. There’s a bunch of other things too, flash backs, wicked startle response, fear, anxiety,phobias and the list goes on. Sending hugs to you, I hope you can get some sleep. Somatic Experiencing (An amazing and gentle form of therapy) was life changing for me and the only kind that helped me
Thanks Zoe! And yes, I know. I will look into this therapy for sure.
Lots of love and hugz coming your way! ♡
Same to you xo
I understand this. I have never been diagnosed with it yet I think on some levels I may fight it. You have written a very informative post. Most people do not understand PTSD and some think is is a post military service issue – which is not to diminish the fact and severity of those who fight PTSD after fighting for their country but it truly can affect anyone. Thank you for writing this. xxxxxx
Thank you!
And you are right. Trauma causes ptsd and a lot of people are suffering from it.
I hope you are okay. Lots of love and hugz ♥
I understand and I am there on one of the many other sides of the network connectivity if you ever need to talk to someone. Take care. 🙂
Thank you my friend. Means a lot!
I am fine though, just wanted to write about it because it does drive me crazy sometimes!
Lots of love
Giant hugs. I know this all to well.
I know mio fratello. Giant hugz to you as well! ❤
Patty, So heavy are your words & message. I think we all need to absorb your rabbit hole & just be there for you. –too much emotional baggage to begin, to sort, & it’s none of our business except to be steady for you whatever winds are blowing good or bad. Phil
Thank you Phil.
I am fine though, I am used to it but sometimes it does annoy me because I am just tired! Lol.
But I do think it’s very important that people learn more about PTSD. I know that a lot of people still think that you are crazy when you have PTSD and can’t function. But that’s not true. It’s not something to be ashamed of either. I know that a lot of people who have PTSD hurt themselves or even commit suicide. But you can have a pretty normal life with PTSD, just have to find something that keeps you going! It’s not easy, but it’s definitely possible. A lot of people don’t get why I write dark poetry while I have a positive nature. This is why. My mind, my memories, they are damaged. I have scars that won’t show but they’re there nevertheless. That doesn’t mean I am not happy! It just means I am more than I seem. Like a lot of other people. Some of them get judged because people just don’t understand them. So I thought I should raise some awareness. 🙂
Lots of love and hugz