A trip down the rabbit hole…

I wanted to share something different with you today… And I apologize for the size of this article!
For the ones who don’ t know yet, I have PTSD caused by a couple of things that happened when I was younger. I don’t talk about it much, I even dodged the diagnose until this year.

But I am not ashamed of it at all. Having PTSD doesn’t mean you are crazy! You are just wearing scars from wounds that aren’t visible. It’s just not something you talk about that much.

For those who don’t know what PTSD is, a little introduction:
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, the sudden death of a loved one, serious injury or the threat of death. The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyper arousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.

For me it means that I have severe nightmares, flashbacks, trust issues, abandonment issues and commitment issues. I don’t let people close that easy and I have a habit of pushing them away because I don’t want to lose them.

I tried treatment, didn’t work out. PTSD is very hard to treat.

Now, most of the time I have it pretty much under control. Mostly because I am very lucky with the support of the people around me. They make me feel safe and loved and that really helps. If I didn’t have them….who knows?

I am not depressed (although I have been, but I am very good in hiding my true feelings), one of the main symptoms of PTSD. I guess that’s why it took them so long to diagnose me.

PTSD also causes insomnia and that I have pretty bad.
My mind just never shuts up in the first place and when my PTSD takes over it can get real nasty. I have an outstanding memory that serves me well. But besides being a blessing, it can be a curse.

I am also an image thinker, that doesn’t help much either…

Let me take you into my mind for a moment. It’s quite a trip down the rabbit hole so you are warned!

When I lay down my head and close my eyes, the fun starts. My mind is pretty busy at daytime as well, but at least I can distract myself. But when I am in bed, it’s just me and my mind.
So here it goes:

God I’m tired! Hmmm, what should I wear on New Year’s eve? O! I just found the perfect picture to go with my biography! Hmmm, what should I put in my biography? I have to get some sleep, I am beat! How is my brother doing?

(Image of my brother lying in his own blood)

No! Not going there! I am sure he’s fine. Have to think of something else…. O! I have to write my synopsis!

(Image of a bunny hopping through a field with purple flowers)

where the hell did that come from? A bunny? Hmmm, I don’t feel comfortable,  maybe I should turn around. That’s better. A new year is almost here….coming near….No, no writing now, I have to sleep!
Hmmm, is my body resting now? Even when I am not sleeping? I should look that up sometime….

(image of my husband choking) NO!

(Image of my big brother in his coffin followed by an image of my husband in the same coffin)

No no, get the bunny back! Something else to think of! What was that noise? Where is my dagger? O, it’s here. Okay, I am good….
Now, what should I wear on New Year’s eve? Would Aragoth be a good name for a dragon?

(Image of my hubby falling of his motorcycle) No, he is lying next to me, nothing to worry about. Everyone is fine…Is my brother doing okay? Sigh, I need some rest. Maybe I will go shopping tomorrow. Yes, that would be nice.

(Something cold touches my hand) Nope, not real. Why am I sad? Everything is fine! What time is it anyway? Omg, it’s almost 5 am! What a waste of time! I am so tired….

(image of my mom dying in the hospital)
Stop it! She’s fine! They would tell me if she wasn’t!

(image of one of my friends getting shot to death followed by an image of him getting knifed down) No, not real…

(The sound of a beeping heart monitor) No…

(the feeling of needles in my back followed by the sound of people crying followed by the image of my cousin lying death in a ditch) My heartbeat start to rise and my breathing goes faster.

(Image of my big brother’s face, cold and still) Tears come into my eyes.

(the same song plays in a loop in my head) Okay, I am going to do something else.

And I get out of bed.

Lovely craziness huh? These are just a couple of examples that I have to get through every night. I am most afraid of losing the people I love.

It sucks. I live with it and most of the times I can handle it, but it still sucks! It is better than the nightmares though. This I can stop by getting out of bed. The nightmares sneak up on me when I am already asleep. Can’t do anything about that and they are horrifying detailed. Thanks to my lovely memory!

Don’t feel sorry for me, I didn’t write this for sympathy.

I just thought maybe writing about it would help me to get it out, maybe relax a bit and help someone who has PTSD as well, but never talks about it. I certainly hope so, because it helps to share with people who know what you are talking about!

Anyways, time for me to get some sleep. Lol… Wish me luck!

Lots of love

Patty