52 comments on “A short story: One day in April…

  1. Pingback: Spoken Dark Poetry: PTSD | petitemagique

  2. Reblogged this on My Sandbox and commented:
    Written by someone much much braver than I… This hit me hard enough to share.

    We go through so much in life. Next time you look at someone and are tempted to judge, remember that we all have scars hidden beneath our clothing and some have wounds deeper than others.

    Good luck and much love to you, Patty.

  3. This is amazing and very well written. Change the timing of some of the things in here and the details and this could very well be me. That’s how much I related to this. Numbness is sort of the right word. When you keep all the bad stuff out, you inadvertently keep the good stuff out too. You don’t feel it, but the bad stuff that already got in, the stuff that makes any child put up those barriers in the first place, sits inside you like poison and eats at you from the inside and it’s trapped there by the same barriers that protected you. You are so brave for just putting it out there like this. Please keep writing. It’s so healing when things get overwhelming. If you can’t write about it directly, turn it into poetry or fiction. Sometimes I reread my poetry and gain a whole new understanding of what I wrote, realizing the parts I came up with to go around the important parts were sometimes more significant than what I was actually writing about. Sometimes the feelings come without the memories. Sometimes the memories rain down on you in a deluge like a waterfall you can’t get out from under. Sometimes you act on a feeling without feeling it and wonder why you did that. I’m not as brave as you to put it out there straight up like that. There are some things I can’t because they are too risky. I just read a blog post by Ksenia Anske about starting and finishing books and the main point was write what you feel. My whole blog is exactly that and I believe the first post is me catching just a glimpse of an animal. I was just learning the Sesame Street feelings at that point – mad, sad, glad and bad. The characters, the places, they all represent something real although not necessarily tangible. I know where my story goes next and I wish I could write using pen and paper without pain because that would be one way to really sit down and write despite the migraines that keep screen time short and the doctor visits that take up my energy. I don’t know if you are just starting your journey of healing or if this is simply an introduction. But please keep writing. Ksenia was right. I started my blog for me not caring if I had any followers and not really understanding why I wanted to share my stuff with the world. Now I have a few followers and they keep me writing at least a poem here and there when I otherwise wouldn’t. My last real story post was about sheer terror and it was such a mindfuck I screwed myself up but it had to come out. I think I stopped writing that story, in part, out of fear of what else would come out. And life happened and loss, lots and lots of loss – 9 lives in 2 months with an assault, adult bullying, and a serious infection that took 4 months to go away all in the middle. And then a different kind of loss after that but at least some closure. Not to mention the loss caused by the migraines themselves. I used to write on the train until my wrists hurt and finish my post at home. Now my eyes stay closed on the train. I haven’t been writing the way I should. No wonder I’ve had a migraine for a year now. It got bad when I started seeing doctors again (because I left the house and can’t avoid my triggers outside my home). This was late summer / early fall and everything happened at once. It was like I could see the top of the mountain and then I fell on my butt and slid to the bottom and lost my feelings again and had to start over. I can usually deal with my iPhone inverted and as dim as it goes for a little while and sound. I’ve been listening to mostly rap but also some new rock and classic rock / oldies too. I think “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel came out when I was in high school and I was mesmerized by the song and didn’t have a clue as to why. I do now. He has another song I really feel, called “The Stranger.” Your statement about a lost mask brought that to mind. You might feel that one. Ok enough rambling it’s 3am I’m too tired to know when to stop but I really do wonder how much a screwed up nervous system contributes to my migraine symptoms and other physical issues and how much comes from that poison that sits inside with no outlet and I don’t like voice recognition it’s not the same but maybe I should try it. Maybe if I make it through some important parts of my story that have already been “written” in my mind and get to what I want to write about, the headaches will be milder and let me sit at my computer and just write. The containers holding that poison are old and leaky and took a major jolt from my recent trauma. Now I just need to find the right time and place. Writing poems, telling my story, using the characters I’ve created, it all helps, and you know what part I want to get to. You gave me the idea. When I have trouble I just keep thinking about the ear to ear grin I had and the bully I picked as a first one to stand up to and wow I am STRONG. The bad stuff leading up that moment needs to make it on “paper” though or it and associated memories will keep haunting me. That’s why I encourage you to KEEP WRITING. Write about it however suits you. It will help you. It will help someone like you who stumbles across it. I’ve been helped by the works of others who just wrote for themselves and I have been helped by writing for myself and Ksenia’s words came true. My blog has some followers now, people like me, just like she said. And I read that tonight. So please keep being you and keep writing because you are a wonderful person and art is therapy for both the creator and the consumer. And if you need help along the way, you know where to find me. Either I’ve been there or somewhere like it or I’m about to get there. Healing from this stuff is a bit like climbing a shale cliff and I’ve done it before with a friend after a rabid raccoon scared the daylights out of us. You keep scrambling to get to the top but slide down a little when the thin rock breaks away and it’s really nice to have a hand steady you when you’re about to fall. Keep writing and I’ll be right there with you. I probably get the award for sloppiest comment but this post was awesome and hit me in the stomach. It scrambled my brain, thoughts flying every which way. That’s how I know it was good. And this is coming from someone who was given an interesting shiny metal object to stop talking and it worked… Writing has been so healing for me. So has reading books that were healing for the author. That’s why I encourage you to keep doing it. Just commenting on this post is healing. I’m typing this on an iPhone… And still able to look at it. Thank you. You are truly inspiring.

    Dani

    • Thank you so much for your encouraging words Dani.
      I am so sorry that you can relate to something like this.
      Poison is the right word for it. You can survive for a long long time this way, but it will catch up on you eventually.
      I don’t know if I am brave, I just needed to write it down at least once and still I let things out lol…
      Just know that you can always email me if you need to share something and you don’t want (or can’t) on your blog.
      Because you are right, writing about what happened is healing. I think it makes us stronger and it certainly gives the ability to enjoy life more. Without the numbness.
      Stay strong.
      Lots of love and hugz coming your way!

      • Thanks. It has to come out. Art is a great way to get it out. Much better than the destructive ways we find. What is a necessary coping mechanism we unconsciously develop as kids, an actual rewiring of our brains, no longer works for us as adults and eventually comes back to bite us. Hugz back atcha.

  4. Thank you for sharing this hun. I wish you so much strength, love and support that it will almost overflow ;)
    Bless you man too for standing by your side and supporting and helping you.
    I hope to make it to your book presentation (money issue, I will do my upmost best to be there) and then I will give you a big big hug for real (I will be the idiot comming into the room Howling :p) but for now you will have to do with my virtual hug…it’s a tight one though :D

    AWWWWWWWOOOOHUUUGZZZZZZ <3<3

    • Thanks Martin. :)
      Yes, Danny has really been my savior. And he even thinks that I am pretty normal! Hahaha, let’s just say he doesn’t know any better. ;)
      I hope you can make it as well! It would be so awesome if you could be there!
      Big wolfie hugz right back atcha! <3

  5. Thank you for sharing your life experiences Patty.
    When we have been so deeply down, as almost possible, there are only one way left – up.
    It is a really good idea to face the demons, even it is hurting like hell, while it is going on. But a great way to heal.
    I use to say, that hell is existing here on our earth, everything can only be better after. It is up to us to choose how we wish to live our lives here, no matter what we have been through.
    You are so very brave Patty, it is strong to tell such a life story. I understand, that you do it 3. person.
    Send healing your way :-)

  6. As said, the reason you have love and care so much is because you have been to bad places in your life and mind. People who have been there know what pain is..
    <3 Sending a hug <3

  7. Patty I send HUGS your way. One becomes a better person when they experience all that you described. One becomes even a better person to own it and find the courage to write about it. I know. I hid secrets for years only to result in PTSS with anxiety. I see a therapist and all my secrets are now exposed and I am healing. Keep you head up and face your demons.

    • Thank you so much Jude.
      Yes, that’s what I am trying, facing my demons.
      Although I can’t help to wonder sometimes if it wouldn’t be better if I still had my mask…
      Lots of love and hugz <3

  8. Beautifully written Patty. You seem to have been able to turn all this tragedy around into a positive fighting spirit. Take care and keep fighting the good fight. : )))xox

  9. Lieve, lieve Patty,

    Je bent mijn heldin. Dit zijn weer mooie, ontroerende pennestreken van je. En ik geloof en hoop heilig dat je gaat helen. En ik gun jou en je ridder al het moois van de wereld toe.
    Lieverd ik hou van je, als meisje, als een dochter maar ook als vriendin.
    Luf you,

    Ben apetrots op je,
    Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxeen gek mens. Lucie

    Verstuurd vanaf mijn iPad

    > Op 31 mrt. 2014 om 16:02 heeft “petitemagique” het volgende geschreven:
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      • Amen, Patty. If I had to do it all over again, I’d change very little. Some choices could have had way different outcomes. I’ll stay with what I did instead of the unknown. Lessons learned hard way are NEVER forgotten. Thanks for continuing to share your talent, I am blessed to be one of your followers and love sharing your work with others. U bent een lichtend kostbare juweel van een vrouw. Nooit wijzigen. Hartelijk dank. <3 <3

  10. Patty, Is this your first attempt at telling your story? You must write your full story with all you have left out & all the details you are ready to talk about. No wonder you wear your demons like a badge of courage! –A dark past with a bright today, “thanks be.” Phil

    • Thank you Phil.
      Yes, I never told anyone everything. It’s just so much, you know? Even when I write it down for myself, it seems so…overdone.
      So, I leave things out and pretend it’s someone else I am writing about.
      But maybe, someday, I will e able to tell my whole story.
      Lots of love <3

  11. Patty,
    Hugs to you — bear hugs — long, tight hugs. The type of hugs that make you say, “Now, that was a real hug.”

  12. I wish your wounds heal… and you can finally leave all those scars behind to be obscured by the new skin of life that grows on you everyday. I feel for you. Take care, dear friend. :-)

  13. Mia Sorella così meravigliosamente scritto ed io sono orgoglioso di questo! Ti Amo! <3

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